


XERXES

by vanhunks



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-22
Updated: 2015-06-22
Packaged: 2018-04-05 14:07:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4182747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vanhunks/pseuds/vanhunks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post Endgame. Voyager reaches the Alpha Quadrant. Janeway is required by Starfleet Command to receive counselling. Deanna Troi is appointed to try and reach this difficult person. The question that is asked in this story: What is the true nature of sacrifice?</p>
            </blockquote>





	XERXES

**Author's Note:**

> Mary Stark, for the editing of this story. She does a brilliant job and I must thank her for being available whenever I ask her. These days when I tackle a longer story, I feel I cannot do without her editing prowess.

**1**

 

            Deanna Troi breathed in the fresh, crisp air of an early spring morning as she headed towards the building that housed the Federation Counselling Centre. Situated in the vast grounds of Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco, the building stood somewhat aloof, visibly advertising its status as a place of quiet rest - a pleasing euphemism for psychological assessment -  from a distance. Not a very prudent decision  by Command as most patients - she disliked the designation of 'patient' - referred to it as the Command Shrink Tank with the negative labelling frequently associated with 'head doctors'. She often thought that surroundings outside the city and more agreeable to the sensibilities of her clients would produce results that would satisfy her superiors far better  than the success rate she currently enjoyed. The Shrink Tank invariably equated with madness or the descent into it. And almost always they arrived

amoured in full battle gear.     

'Who could argue with such a point?' she wondered. It was certainly not new to the twenty fourth century practice of behavioural studies. Smiling grimly, Deanna thought that this would not change for another four hundred years either, as every century produced its share of madmen.

Not that her current client was mad.

When Deanna had woken earlier, Will's eyes had been caressing yet tinged with concern as they fixed on her. She'd stared at him for a few silent moments before he spoke.

"You're troubled," he'd said softly.

"You know."

"The merest movement of your eyelids while you were sleeping…"

She'd grazed his morning stubble and silently thanked him for being so understanding.

"I'm not looking forward to my session today…"

It was an unfamiliar feeling, this reluctance to see a patient. But her introductory session had not gone well yesterday. She'd been unable to sense anything that she could use as a lever, a starting point for the real hard work she knew lay ahead. She was a Betazoid, she ought to have no difficulty sensing, at least in humans, what they "were about", as Will would say.

"You'll get through to her. It's early days yet. No one can withstand your charm, Imzadi…"

He'd smiled when he said it, and she realised he was thinking of his time as an Academy cadet, trying to date the shy young junior, one who'd also rebuffed his charms. He'd met his future wife only later…

But Will's words had given her hope, a renewed vigour to pursue her task and face the challenge that awaited her. He always made her feel good, she realised as she entered the building and made her way to her office.

It was already clear at the debriefings that Captain Kathryn Janeway was going to be a difficult subject. Deanna had received her instructions in the week Voyager travelled from DS9 to Earth after her re-entry into the Alpha Quadrant, seven years after vanishing mysteriously and five years after her crew had been declared missing in action or presumed dead. Later, news had filtered through that Voyager was travelling in the Delta Quadrant, on a heading for Earth.

At the debriefings Janeway had been cool, aloof, unflinching, unwavering when it came to certain aspects Deanna herself knew, would have unsettled the greatest officers in Starfleet. The merest pause or flicker of an eyelid had been the only indication that Admirals Paris, Nechayev and Hays had struck a nerve when pressuring Janeway for more precise information. Sometimes during the proceedings, Janeway's eyes had become hard, flinty. Only sometimes. Those had been the times the name of Commander Chakotay was mentioned.

Janeway was nerveless, if she could believe the cynical sneer of a wayward admiral who'd sat in on the debriefings. He was as unreliable an observer as he was devious in some of his dealings with his subordinates, and one who, she'd heard, had been snubbed by Janeway while they'd served as fellow officers years ago on the USS Crimond. He was not to be believed, to be sure, but when she'd met Janeway in her suite the day before, she'd been inclined to believe the wayward admiral.

It was going to be a challenge to crash through the gates of a pair of blue-grey eyes.

Deanna had hardly settled into her chair - a deep, soft leather - when her door chimed. Moments later, Captain Janeway entered. In her new uniform which seemed to mould itself on her body she looked even more remote. Deanna remembered that the Voyager crew had returned in the uniforms that had been Starfleet issue seven years ago. They could not have known that new styles had been introduced, that many things had changed, Earth under attack from the Breen, for instance. So many things had changed in those seven years, from the Breen’s attack on Earth to a new style in uniform. Then there were other things that had remained embarrassingly unchanged - hostile debriefings, court martials, mandatory counselling, corruption in high places. Admiral Harcourt Breve had been stripped of his rank following conduct unbecoming an officer. It was not good to be in bed with the enemy…

Janeway looked aloof, tired, perhaps. Could she not be sleeping well? Deanna wondered as she beckoned the Voyager captain to sit opposite her in a similar large easy chair, then spent a few moments studying her.

It was hard to describe what she sensed was a complex being. Even more so, someone not easily given to opening up, as Deanna had found to her dismay the previous day. Dismayed, but not too perturbed that she wouldn't be able to reach this woman whose eyes pierced her. Janeway was a like a tightly wound ball, a body so strongly assembled that it left no room for feelings, devoid of all substance. Only, the observer was simply aware of this tight coil while instilled with the knowledge that it concealed everything that supported its life - wholesomeness, love, duty, patience, need, compassion, empathy, sympathy, the ability to bleed in the onslaught of life's trials, to have its heart constricted with fear, hate, injustice and pain. Deanna had seen and dealt with such Starfleet officers before. Uptight, imperious, impervious and vicious in protecting the self.

Such an officer was Alynna Nechayev. After completing her sessions with the admiral, Deanna had been drained,  her own fortitude in the face of the war of emotions finally unleashed bringing her to near breaking point.

Janeway gazed at her, then straightened her back in the easy chair.

"I want to reiterate, Counsellor, that I am here against my will."

"Then I want to reiterate, Captain Janeway, that I am here to do my job."

"Well then," Janeway conceded, "as long as we understand each other."

For a brief moment Deanna felt as if she were the patient and Janeway the counsellor, quickly parrying the captain with,  "Let's resume our session, shall we?"

"What do you want to know that the official logs haven't already told you? Or the debriefing?"

Janeway's lips compressed after she fired her questions. Her eyes held a challenge, her fingers laced together and resting on her lap. Deanna made a mental note of the ornate silver ring on the middle finger of Janeway's right hand.

Something else hit Deanna. Face to face with this woman (Will always referred to her ability as being an emotion sensor), she became aware of a certain unreadability combined with an instinctive reticence to open up and talk. It was going to be harder than she'd thought.

Not impossible.

"Being shunted abruptly into the Delta Quadrant with scant alert to the imminent danger your crew would be in. Your  initial feelings about that?" Deanna asked, shifting slightly in her chair.

"My first officer died."

"I understand Commander Chakotay is no longer with us - "

"I credited you with greater perspicacity, Counsellor. You know I mean Commander Cavit."

Deanna gave a little sigh, almost embarrassed at her amateurish line of questioning. "You lost Commander Cavit. How did you feel?"

"How did I feel?" Janeway bit out. "How did I feel? There was no time to feel, or to ponder on feeling anything. That…was a luxury…"

Deanna smiled. Perhaps it wouldn't be that hard, after all.

"Tell me about the first moment you experienced this sense of…loss…."

**** 

That had been the moment Chakotay lost his ship. Nothing, not even losing Commander Cavit and some of her key senior personnel - the ship's doctor, ship's nurse, chief engineer, chief pilot - stabbed her insides like that moment. Loss and being lost. That had been Voyager then.

Deanna's question hit her like a burst of cold air. She had never given it any thought or pondered on it. It was true what she said. Feelings were a luxury she could ill afford. She only knew that it was something sensed rather than given voice or reflection.

She remembered the moment as clearly as watching Deanna Troi sitting opposite her, listening, collecting, discarding and retaining anything that could be of use to her.

Kathryn had looked at Chakotay at the helm of the Liberty, his face wild with heroic intensity, a determination that seemed to project from a cache of qualities that would later define the man she'd come to know. Greater even than the moment on her bridge when he'd pushed his body between her and Torres, defending a woman who was to him little more than a stranger, yet acknowledging her leadership.

She should have known then.

'Known what?' The question, voiced in low tones pierced through the fog of her reminiscence.

The price a man is prepared to pay for freedom. That an act she thought to be self-serving was a real desire to help without counting the cost to himself. A selfless act from a selfless man.

He'd been transported to Voyager's bridge at the last possible second…

She closed her eyes.

From the outset he'd defended her. Until Starfleet had commissioned her to find and apprehend him, she had no knowledge of this man. He'd stood before her and his deference to her rank, her person, instantly established the roles they were to play on her ship. Friendship came not with cool smiles and dinner dates. Friendship was hard won, forged in the crucible of worlds of the Delta Quadrant - for the most part a powder keg of political maneuvering and hostilities.

It was the kind of friendship…

Janeway sighed. She didn't want to think anymore. Chakotay… Her head hurt suddenly from just these first recollections…

"Captain…?" Deanna's voice broke through.

Had she been talking? she wondered, giving the counsellor more information than she wanted to?

Kathryn blinked, feeling momentarily disoriented. Her knuckles hurt, she realised with a pang.

"Was that what you wanted to know?" she asked Deanna.

"It's a good start, Captain Janeway," the counsellor replied.

"I should have known then," she repeated her words of earlier.

"What should you have known?"

"The price men are willing to pay. It is embedded in selflessness. His came straight from his heart."

A pause.

"And?"

"I felt his loss as keenly as I would have had I rammed Voyager into that Kazon vessel."

"Then Commander Chakotay must have weighed his options in an instant…the Liberty being a much smaller vessel…Voyager fitted with the most up to date Federation technology at the time…"

Janeway bristled at Troi's deliberate misunderstanding of her words.

"With respect, Counsellor, I knew Commander Chakotay better than you…better than anyone. I can assure you that weighing options was the last thing on his mind.  He was acting in the best human tradition… He needed to disable the enemy vessel once and for all. Which he did…" Janeway sighed again, before she murmured softly, "A selfless act…"

Deanna pondered a moment on her words, then, "Did this feeling of loss stay with you, Captain?"

What was it with this counsellor? Kathryn Janeway wondered. She hated them, and in the past had always managed to best them, even when recovering from the most dire traumas. They picked at her head, tried to get into it and burrow there for information, anything they thought could assist them in their continued investigation.

Now, every time Troi fired a question, like a dart it penetrated her brain to separate into a series of impulses that found their mark where she didn't want them - in her heart. It was impossible to fight, impossible to resist. Refusing an answer would simply delay an inevitability. Something strange, something mystic was filling her, a desire to reveal, yet, cravenly, her head was endeavouring to invalidate any question of a personal nature.

For a few moments she remained absolutely still. She was no longer fidgeting, her hands resting calmly on her lap, a belated realisation that she'd been wringing them together as if they'd journeyed through far and dangerous lands.

Her throat felt thick, swollen, causing pain in her ears. A buzzing started there, lasting several seconds. When it subsided, she knew by the sharp piercing of skin in her palms, of the strength she applied to subdue any reaction by force.

She knew that her lips moved, that her brain unceremoniously complied with the voice of the counsellor, or perhaps, she thought, greater even than Troi, a Voice. It would be just a matter of time before she'd capitulate, albeit with great resistance. Janeway hated time with a sudden, inexplicable vengeance.

"Did this feeling stay with you?"

There was not a time during the seven years in hell that she didn't experience a sensation of loss, of being lost, being lonely. While she led her exemplary crew steadfastly towards their destination, while she joked, cajoled, counselled, mothered, washed and brushed and lived from day to day, while her crew rallied around her in support and loyalty, she felt that emptiness inside her, an emptiness lined with her hubris - feelings of misplaced guilt, self-sacrifice, an idea that once they were home, she'd be the all conquering hero of the Delta Quadrant.

Once, when they were travelling through the void, that emptiness had been intensified a thousand times. She had descended into brooding, self-imposed isolation, hiding from herself, her staff, pondering for the millionth time on how she stranded them all in the Delta Quadrant.

She hid from him.

"Who?" came the voice through the fog.

"Chakotay."

She'd sulked, grandstanding on her principles and Federation laws that drove her forward and a sacrifice borne out of self-interest.

"You wanted to be seen as a hero?"

"A selfish one. One who wanted the glory of the sacrifice and not the pain of it."

"There is pain in sacrifice?" asked the counsellor.

"Do you understand at all what it is to live in the face of real sacrifice? The surrender of the self to a Higher Order and not to appease any human on earth?"

"Do not be perturbed, Captain Janeway. I have seen such surrender. I have worked with such a captain for many years, remember?"

"Then you understand?"

"Only if I am to be apprised of the full nature of it, Captain, through your account of it."

She'd been lonely in the void; it cloaked her in darkness so that all she lost swelled and swelled until she wanted to die from it. The only thing that held her back…

"What held you back?"

"To be remembered for my deeds, my selfless acts."

"But you just claimed that yours were borne of selfishness…"

"He reminded me…"

She'd lapsed into brooding self-chastisement of their situation and he had wanted none of it.

"Just what did your First Officer do?"

"What did you learn from the debriefings, Counsellor? It's somewhere there in your notes," Kathryn bit out sharply.

Deanna Troi continued unperturbed. "The crew mutinied. Went against their captain's express command."

"Then you know."

"Captain, you're wringing your hands. I sense something more than the crew going against their captain's wishes. Rather their loyalty was entrenched as led by Commander Chakotay. I'd like to know what his role was in this…"

"Why? He isn't here to defend his stance, is he?" she said bitterly.

"But you are here, now, to express your view of it, or give an account of it."

"My view, as you seem to be thinking, is flawed. I may not be reliable in my narration…"

"You can be assured that I'll form an opinion. I'll be able to  gain a better understanding of your position as decision maker on a vessel stranded for seventy five years in an uncharted quadrant."

There was a long silence in which Janeway tried to channel her warring thoughts, to sift through the debris for anything still whole, intact, for that moment in which Chakotay…

"Captain?"

"He came to my quarters. First he wanted me to join him on the holodeck. I told him to leave me alone…"

Her mind raced to that night she told him that she'd be prepared to remain behind in the void to close the wormhole from the inside once Chakotay had guided Voyager through it. It would then have taken her two years to travel across the void… 

Chakotay had stood there, resolute, hands at his sides. Even in the darkened room she could see a nerve in his jaw twitching. She'd rarely seen Chakotay angry. Gruff, brusque, disciplined with his Maquis crew, but angry? She'd never experienced it first hand directed at her. Then he'd just been her second-in-command, viewed with her own almost condescending treatment because he was lower in the chain of command. In the past, she'd casually brushed aside his entreaties that they were in their situation together, that she was not alone.

His anger… She'd blanched at the raw force of it.

"So, once again," he bit out between clenched teeth, "Captain Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager wants to play the sacrificial lamb. How…messianic."

"How dare you…blaspheme in that way?"

"I make no apology, Captain. It seems to me you want everything just the way you want all of this to play out. You want to enjoy wallowing in self-pity and at the same time reap the glory of sainthood."

"My God!"

"You're not alone in this, Kathryn! Never have been! But you constantly behave as if the deliverance of this crew rests solely on your shoulders."

"But it's my duty…"

"Your duty? Duty be damned!" His hands had gripped her shoulders so tightly that she flinched from the force of it. "You're not alone, Kathryn! No one has to make any sacrifice here. Have you forgotten you have a crew who wants their captain with them? There's more to glory than wanting it for selfish gains…"

His accusation had been outlandish, unfair, extreme. That was not what she was about. Her reaction…

"Commander, so help me, I will have you confined to quarters - !"

"And then what, Captain? Elevate someone else to acting captain and Voyager continue through this darkness, leaving her captain behind simply to make her look good?"

Her palm had stung from the slap across his cheek. Chakotay had not flinched, but stood his ground.

It hadn't been the first time he'd accused her of grandstanding. It wasn't going to be the last. His words had cut through her in the same way her ship cut  the thick black nothingness of the void. Smooth and cleanly, the knife pierced her heart.

She'd bristled at his callous, insulting criticism of her desire to stay behind to help a race in distress, yet deep inside she knew that he'd been right. Glory had to make way for common sense. She’d forgotten that several heads creating a strategy was better than one stupid command. She'd poked her finger against his hard chest and willed him to step back, but he never budged.

"Get this, Commander. Whatever you and the senior officers are planning to get us out of this mess, I want to be a part of it. Is that clear?"

Only then had Chakotay relaxed. His eyes had changed and the hard planes of his face became less harsh as he smiled, the dimples a welcome relief in the truce they managed to effect. He'd given her shoulders another squeeze, gentler this time.

"Thank you, Kathryn. You're alive, you know? And one day, I can assure you, you will experience the true meaning of sacrifice…"

She'd been struck by the heavy portent of his words.

"Just not now, huh?"

"Just not now…"

*************************

 

2

**Day 3**

Deanna was back in her office waiting for Captain Janeway. It had been stressful yesterday, but a breakthrough nevertheless. Captain Janeway hurt. That became very clear during the session. It was the primary emotion that had hit Deanna especially after Janeway recounted her experiences of Commander Chakotay's behaviour towards her. Like a wounded animal, she'd backed physically into the deep armchair, ready to pounce if a threat persisted, if Deanna came in too close. It was a way of warding off imminent attack, to shield herself.

One moment the words poured from Janeway, heated, passionate, angry, and the next, aggression as she sought to defend herself, suppressing any attempt to reveal too much.

Deanna smiled grimly. A picture was slowly emerging, the tapestry of seven years travelling through the Delta Quadrant, of first contacts with friendly and hostile races, of battling to survive and of  loyal crew support. Yet in every major skirmish, every major event, every stand-off, Commander Chakotay featured. Even though, Deanna could swear, Janeway hardly realised how much she revealed of her feelings for her first officer, ironically not through her account of the events, but the deliberate omission of his name at times. Her silences spoke louder than her words and those silences contained the hidden traumas Janeway was at pains to conceal.

She had no idea how much he influenced her emotional equilibrium. It was as fascinating to observe as when she had dealt with Admiral Nechayev in the very chair Janeway clawed like a tigress.

Janeway's eyes darkened a shade and in them Deanna could glimpse a raging moon. There was something deep in Janeway, something so enigmatic and so unspoken that without any kind of therapy, healing would be halted and Janeway could live out her days as a woman without any cheer or the relief of joy. It was why Starfleet Command had given Deanna such a specific directive…

This was her mission. To pierce through that reserve, to unlock the tragedy that Admiral Paris sensed, that she sensed from the moment of contact with Janeway. They wanted to see Janeway acknowledge her pain, to resolve trauma especially relating to her first officer before they were to send her into deep space again. Seven years in the Delta Quadrant had changed Janeway from joyful  to joyless. There was something there…

Janeway had to acknowledge that she was human.

Today was going to be the final attempt. If unsuccessful, Deanna could only hope that Captain Janeway would seek counselling of her own volition.

Deanna breathed deeply as she gazed out her window. Janeway was a puzzle, a puzzle with pieces called Chakotay, the Delta Quadrant and a planet called Xerxes. The pieces were in disarray. Not missing, Deanna thought wryly. Just out of order. It would have been different had there not been Xerxes with its mystery surrounding it. Janeway would have delivered her reports and that would have been the end of it. Starfleet were ready to pin the medal of honour on her and elevate her to the Admiralty. But something in the way Janeway reacted to the air of secrecy around Xerxes caused the admirals to sit up and appoint someone to search for the missing link, if there was one. It was Deanna's assignment to find it.

Getting Janeway to reflect again on the events as they occurred was, she conceded, like revisiting hell. Janeway fought it like a tigress. None of the crew had shed any light that could shift a few pieces closer into alignment. None of the senior crew when questioned about Xerxes acted out of order or out of the ordinary. They merely corroborated the official logs and Janeway's account at the debriefings. Deanna gained the impression that they were telling the truth, that their version of it at least constituted plausible deniability.

When her door chimed, Deanna breathed in deeply again. Janeway stood just inside her door a few seconds later, a defiant look on her face.

"Please sit down, Captain," Deanna requested calmly. "I hope," she continued sincerely, "that we can be friends one day."

Janeway gave a tight smile and nodded, the defiant look somewhat dissipating.

"How is Commander Riker?" she asked as she seated herself in the deep chair.

"He is well, Captain and sends his regards. They're preparing to leave for space dock."

"You're not accompanying your husband?"

"Not on this mission. The Enterprise officers are acting as the mediating team between Auris IV and the Alcrosians…"

"You'll miss him, I'm sure."

There was a tone of wistfulness in Janeway's voice, of longing. Her eyes suddenly became softer, warmer. She remained quiet a long time. The warmth abated to make way for a narrowing of the eyes. Deanna had a feeling Janeway was strategising her next response. Perhaps how not to reveal too much of herself or certain key events in the life of Voyager, particularly relating to Xerxes.

"Will and I are bonded, Captain," she said with a smile. William Riker always contacted her regularly if they were not on the same mission.

"Bonded?" Janeway asked, frowning, unaware of the way she was wringing her hands and twisting the ring on her finger.

The ring, Deanna thought, had to be the key to unlock Janeway's heart.

"Yes. What about you, Captain?"

The wringing of her hands stopped suddenly.

"No."

"The ring, then?"

The mutinous look returned. Troi thought she'd just unhinged something as Janeway's eyes sparked angrily. But she was used to baiting and waiting. So she remained still until Janeway was ready again. Janeway twirled the ring. Then she penned Deanna with fire in her eyes.

"I found it on my finger the morning he left."

"A signet ring, Captain?"

"Yes."

Deanna leaned forward this time, curious to see the detail. Ornately carved around a flat oval surface, a strange symbol engraved on it. For a moment there flashed a vision of an officer in command red, standing at Janeway's side on the bridge of Voyager. It couldn't be possible, she realised, that a symbol could speak to her, convey something too deep and mysterious to mere mortals. This was a higher plane, a dwelling in places far beyond any comprehension. Was that why Janeway fingered the ring so much? Commander Chakotay was no longer with them, did not return with them to the Alpha Quadrant. In fact, all records and reports at the debriefings declared him to be dead…

"Captain," she continued in a husky tone, "you said you found it on your finger? How was that so?"

Another long silence in which Janeway shifted uncomfortably.

"Captain Janeway," Deanna Troi persisted, "there is a distinct correlation between this very beautiful ring and the timing of Commander Chakotay's passing. He died on the morning he left Voyager, didn't he? And after he left the ship, you woke and found the ring on your finger…? I'm asking because the ring does not feature in your official logs of the event…"

"What is there to know if you already have knowledge of it?" Janeway shot back.

"I can sense the hurt in you. I sense how you are trying very hard to block me out right now. The ring does not lie, does it? I feel there is more to what happened on Xerxes than what has been revealed at the debriefings or from the reports of the senior officers."

"What do you want me to admit to, Counsellor? That Chakotay is dead? He is, damn it all. Dead, you hear me?"

"I hear you, Captain. Tell me about Xerxes."

"No. You know the story."

"I know the surface of it."

"There is nothing under it!"

"Fine, then you tell me the surface…version…"

"Will that get you off my back and me out of here?"

_Only if you play nicely_ , Deanna was tempted to say.

"Xerxes," Janeway started, "is a planet with binary suns. If we weren't so desperate for provisions and dilithium, we might have had time to appreciate its beauty…"

"Or moved on to another world in that system?"

"Rest and relaxation was something scarce. I - we felt the crew needed shore leave…"

"As I understand, Captain, the planet has a very unusual culture - "

"Culture? You call entrapment culture? Luring unsuspecting travellers to its surface and then…"

"Was there not something like that in Earth's mythology?"

"Xerxes was no lady, I can assure you, Counsellor, contrary to the seductress' charm of the sirens. They wanted to enslave men while Xerxes…"

"But Commander Chakotay," Deanna interrupted, seeing Janeway unsettled, "remained behind?"

"To pay for his deeds, don't you understand?"

Deanna didn't flinch when Janeway leaned forward in her chair and glared at her.

"Xerxes was devious. Beautiful and devious!"

"Then tell me about Xerxes…"

*********

How could she adequately describe the beauty of Xerxes, fifth planet of the Xeroma System? They'd passed so many worlds in their long journey, stopped by so many, traded, bargained, rested, survived… D-class worlds and H-class worlds that were hostile, red, dusty uninhabitable planets… 

Xerxes was beautiful.

Lush vegetation and mountain ranges that divided continents, silver snaking rivers, great lakes that they could see from their position in orbit round the planet. A world like Earth, so green, so complete with its natural resources, an abundance that accompanied the equally generous mood of its inhabitants, if the friendly face of their first minister was a template for every living being on Xerxes.

They'd been overjoyed and mesmerised. She'd instinctively grabbed Chakotay's hand and watched with fascination the way Xerxes swelled on the main viewscreen of Voyager's bridge.

"M-class planet with binary suns," Tuvok's voice droned. Before he could continue, they were hailed.

She'd stood up and moved just behind Tom Paris at the conn. Chakotay joined her.

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager…"

How many times had she greeted aliens with those words? They'd become mechanical, she'd realised, the words issuing from her as a mere progression of her thoughts.

"Greetings, Captain Janeway. You travel far from the bones of your people…"

"They've scanned us," whispered Chakotay next to her and she'd given a silent nod.

"I am Oberon Suhl, First Ambassador of the Xeroman Congress of Planets, and Chief Legate of Xerxes."

"Too many titles," grumbled Paris under his breath.

But she'd been too occupied with the friendliness of  Oberon Suhl and too filled with the need for shore leave and provisions and refuelling Voyager to take Paris' off-side comment too seriously.

"What is your business here?" asked Oberon Suhl in a friendly voice.

The affability, the smile, everything about Oberon Suhl was a balm to their battered souls. They'd spent months in unfriendly space, fighting hostile aliens. She'd realised in those moments how much they'd needed to see a welcoming face, hear a pleasant voice.

It was only later that she comprehended the full extent to which they had been lured there.

"How was that so?" she heard Deanna Troi ask quietly.

"Everything, from the hostile worlds in that sector to finally reaching Xerxes. It was as if a giant hand delibrately planted Xerxes at the end of that sector so that no matter what you went through on your way there,  Xerxes was the cool brook…"

"A cool brook?"

"Where a weary traveller could repose and drink, while unaware that the cool waters that slaked his thirst were poisoned…"

Deanna Troi remained silent, merely nodding that she continue her story.

She'd stated their purpose and an hour later she'd met with her senior officers in the briefing room.

"Captain," Tom Paris started, "it sounds too good to be true. They're too friendly, gushing, like the Sirkarians or…or…"

"The Monean Ocean World?" Harry Kim blurted. Tom shot him an aggrieved look.

"And since when did you turn into a grumpy old man?" B'Elanna, his heavily pregnant wife asked him.

"Since Oberon Suhl couldn't look one straight in the eye?"

"Captain, perhaps we should send a reconnaissance team down first," suggested Chakotay.

"That might be a very good idea," Tom added, nodding approvingly at Chakotay.

"Who'll go then?"

"Oberon Suhl requested that the command team meet with them," Janeway told them.

"Then the Captain and Commander go down first," Tuvok said. "Even," he continued, "if it is not regulation that the ship's captain and first officer be off the vessel at the same time. I would, however, suggest that as soon as it is safe, either Captain Janeway or Commander Chakotay return to Voyager…"

"And what if they deny us dilithium?"

"You saw how nicely they smiled, Starfleet," Harry piped up, the excitement in his voice infectious.

Kathryn knew their dilithium was almost depleted. If she didn't make contact and open negotiations….

"They have given us permission for limited mining rights on the northern continent - "

"Only for a few hours! That's hardly enough time," Tom Paris burst out. "Besides, I don't trust them further than my pinky. The planet may be beautiful, Captain, perhaps the best since…"

Tom had gone quiet. She'd once stripped him of his rank because he had been drawn to a beautiful water world in need. Then she had been the mistrustful one, prepared to fire on Tom and blow him to oblivion.

"I understand, Lieutenant Paris, but it is imperative that I meet with Oberon Suhl to negotiate for more dilithium. That is why Commander Chakotay and I will see the Chief Legate first and explore the area. We will let you know, Commander Tuvok, when the first crewmembers may beam down . Meanwhile, Seven of Nine and Mister Kim will do a full sweep of the planet and scout for any anomalies

"Captain," Chakotay said quietly, "I think it will be a good idea to take a shuttle."

"Yes, thank you, Chakotay."

"Also, that you return as soon as possible. I can remain down there - "

She nodded. Chakotay's suggestion sounded reasonable.

"Tuvok, the planet's defence systems - "

"Warp capability, Captain. A sensor grid is in place around the planet, most likely managing and controlling the weather patterns."

"As well as its defence system," added B'Elanna. "They seem very well protected."

"Captain…"

Tom Paris had look imploringly at her.

"Tom, I understand that you had been burnt once before. But your concern is noted."

Paris had nodded. Half an hour later she and Chakotay were preparing to leave for the surface. Once they were alone in the shuttle bay, ready to board the New Sacagawea he gripped her shoulders and turned her to face him. His eyes had been warm, kind.

"The crew seems concerned," he said soberly.

"I know. But we're practically running on empty, Chakotay. You know that. This is something I have to do…"

She waited for him to speak about making sacrifices again like he'd done so many times before. But he studied her pensively for a few moments.

"Is something the matter, Chakotay?" She felt suddenly wary. Was he going to jump down her throat again?

"Kathryn, there's something I want to ask, before we touch down on Xerxes - "

"Oh? What is it?"

"I…do you think we could make our…uh…association more binding?"

They'd begun to touch a lot in the last months, become comfortable holding hands, often kissing briefly to say goodnight. It had been such a slow, slow burn that had crept through her the last year or two that she hardly noticed how much closer they'd become, just sensed that they were. Since the episode in the void when he'd accused her of grandstanding, they'd been skirting around one another. It hadn't been the last time either, but she was comforted that he was there to pull her into line. After that she'd often relied on him, even if they had to heatedly defend their respective positions. Then the last weeks…

She couldn't prevent the trembling that had taken hold of her or been aware of just where they were.

"You're proposing, Commander? In a shuttle bay?"

"I am proposing, Captain. I'll go on my knees. If you like, I'll even - "

She'd looked at him, her heart suddenly overflowing with joy, aware of how his palm caressed her cheek.

"Chakotay," she'd told him, "we'll go down to Xerxes. I'll give you my answer once we're there. Right now…"

"Take your time, beloved. Take as much time as you need…"

 

"Commander Chakotay _proposed_ to you?" Deanna asked, surprised.

Kathryn struggled to surface from her spoken reverie, Deanna's face coming slowly into focus.

"Yes," she whispered. "He proposed to me, but not there, in the shuttle bay, really. The real proposal came…"

Kathryn felt her throat thicken. The swelling in her chest hurt. The ache was unending.

"That was not in the official logs, Captain."

"No, it wasn't. It…wasn't…"

"Why did you seek to omit it from the logs and the debriefing?"

"It was…too private. We…"

"What, Captain?"

"Can one be overpowered by Joy, Counsellor? So much that you lose sight of any danger?"

"What happened down there?"

"You know what happened."

"Only as much as everyone was prepared to report. Commander Chakotay proposed to you. It was the happiest day of your life -"

"No, wrong, Counsellor. On that day everything died…"

***************

 

3

**Day 4**

Once again Deanna Troi, former counsellor of the USS Enterprise, stood at the window of her office overlooking the gardens of the Starfleet grounds. A message from Will had come through in the early hours of the morning. He'd sounded slightly wistful when he spoke. She missed him already. In that Kathryn Janeway was right. Every time Will left, she missed him; the part that completed her life was gone, albeit temporarily.

"But I can see you've made progress, Dee," he'd told her just before closing communication. "How is she now?"

"Coping as well as she could, I should imagine. She is unbelievably courageous. I haven't seen that kind of valour and self-sufficiency in anyone in a long time, considering what they'd been through."

"And they'd been through hell, as I heard."

"Correct. Lost in an uncharted quadrant, a certain element of caution that prepares one for first contact…nothing like that existed. They had no frame of reference, other than - "

"The Federation Handbook."

"Yes," she sighed as Will smiled. "That was their only law and according to their logs, breached from time to time…"

"I understand that one can be driven to contravene the laws. We've done that often enough on the Enterprise… So, how long will you be working with her?"

"I made some breakthrough yesterday. I…today I'm sure she's going to fight me all the way. If it weren't that Starfleet made these sessions mandatory and - "

"And?"

She'd given another deep sigh. "And it is my opinion that she go through with it, Will. She's carrying a very heavy burden; it's weighing her down. It's vital that she start the grieving process. She hasn't had time - "

"It's a damned shame that Commander Chakotay didn't return with them - "

"That's why it's so important that she talks about it. At the debriefings, everything was reported so unemotionally and business-like. An air of efficiency concealing a great, great sadness, Will. I'm…"

"You feel her sadness, Dee?"

" So much of it, I'm afraid I am going to implode…"

"Dee…"

"But don't worry. I have you to talk to, haven't I?"

"And she has you now to absorb her sorrow. It's too great for one person to bear, Imzadi."

"One tragedy too many."

"Imzadi…my thoughts are with you today. I think Janeway needs more than a counsellor right now…"

He had closed communication and left her thinking about his last words. The closest friend Kathryn Janeway had was no longer with her. It was more than just working side by side with deferent crew and senior officers. It was what Captain Picard and Beverly Crusher shared for so many years before he finally proposed to her, unable to bear the thought of parting with her forever.

Kathryn Janeway had stopped the session suddenly yesterday, just after stating that Commander Chakotay had proposed to her. The news had not come as a great surprise, Deanna thought wryly, considering how hard Janeway found it to talk about her first officer, a man who'd been by her side for seven years, one who'd seen with her the dawns and sunsets, the peaks and valleys of worlds unknown to anyone in Starfleet. While it pained her to talk about Chakotay, delivering her conscious thoughts in a stream of heated anguish, she did talk about him, a dark gleam creeping into her eyes, dark and soft...

Still, a proposal, an engagement was nowhere mentioned in the ship's logs, nor at the debriefings.

Janeway had left her office leaving Deanna gaping for a moment. Now, the Enterprise Counsellor waited for Kathryn Janeway to return. A few minutes ago she received a message that Captain Janeway was on her way and would be in time for the session.

That message had come from her sister, Phoebe Janeway. Phoebe was married to a Bajoran woman named Kira Rodea, a first cousin of Kira Nerys.

"Don't worry, Counsellor. I'll carry her there, if necessary. She has to talk about him, okay? She has to acknowledge her pain. It's there and it'll blow her up if she's not going to be careful. My mother swears she'll chain Kathryn to your chair…"

Captain Janeway's mother, stepfather and sister cared. That much was clear.

There was a knock on her door. When Janeway entered, she looked…

"Captain?"

"I didn't sleep last night, if you must know."

"I'm sorry - "

"Don't be. It's your job, remember?"

Janeway made her job sound ugly. It was ugly, she thought, the way she had to delve into the minds and hearts of her charges. It was ugly the way they responded sometimes. Sighing inwardly, Deanna beckoned her to sit down.

"This feels familiar," said Janeway after shifting snugly into the chair. "I could stay here, you know…"

"Captain…"

"You may continue your interrogation, Counsellor."

Deanna closed her eyes a brief second before she gazed at Janeway again.

"Captain, I understand you're bitter. But right now, I have a few questions to ask. You left suddenly

yesterday."

"I apologise for that hasty retreat. I was…"

"Upset?"

"You could say that. I'm ready now."

"Good. The proposal, Captain. You mentioned that you asked that he defer it. Why was that?"

"I wanted it to be on the planet. Xerxes, as I've told you, was so beautiful with its natural vegetation, its waterfalls, its…basilicas..."

"Basilicas? That's the first time you’ve mentioned that there were temples."

"The one tucked away in the first city of Xerxes. The city was called - "

"Thessaly."

"Yes."

"You met with the Chief Legate Oberon Suhl."

"Aye. He pretty much gave us free reign of the first city after we told him we'd explore first before beaming our crew down. He was a very agreeable man. All smiles with hidden agendas. They resemble the Arcosians of the Alpha Quadrant. Anyway, we took the shuttle and moved around in low orbit. About that time, Seven of Nine hailed us."

"Why was that?"

"She and Harry Kim discovered a space fracture. Seven said if it were possible for Voyager to do it, we could create a wormhole, even an unstable one that could bring us closer to home..."

"As I understand, Voyager was escorted to the aperture of the wormhole by Xerxian battle cruisers."

"Who's telling this story?" Janeway asked acidly.

"I'm sorry. The message from Seven of Nine?"

"She informed us that there were battle cruisers guarding the fracture."

"Why did you not react immediately?"

"I…we…were simply too happy. We wanted to explore the Thessalonian Temple before returning to Voyager. We had to conclude business with Xerxes first. The temple with its massive outdoor altar was…was…"

There was a long pause. Deanna witnessed the way Janeway lapsed into the same reverie of the previous days. Her face contorted in pain. She waited until Kathryn was ready again.

"I - " she swallowed, "wanted Chakotay to propose to me there, at the altar…"

"You were overjoyed."

"Until that moment unaware that trouble was looming."

"I'm sorry - "

"The temple was beautiful, full of white columns interspersed with statues of their forebears. Like Venus, David, you know, the ancient Greek statues - "

"I know."

"Well, there was this altar at the top of a flight of steps, flanked again by smaller columns and in the middle was the centrepiece. Once at the top of the altar, it was…there was a large circle where the centrepiece stood, about ten metres from the edge of the top step. The circle was adorned with beautiful triangular small mosaics, all along the edge. We - "

"What, Captain?" Deanna prodded softly.

 ^

They'd both been awed at the simple opulence, the air of sanctity that hovered there. They were alone.

"Now, Chakotay," she told him, "you can propose to me…"

"Kathryn, my love, we're on hallowed ground."

"Yes, and what can be more hallowed," she parried, "than you asking me to marry you, right here?"

 ^

"He proposed. Then we left, walking towards the shuttle about a hundred metres away. By the time we joined Voyager again, we received another message, this time from the Xerxian Holy Council."

"They wanted to know who the person was who walked on the hallowed circle of the altar…" Deanna said, the details of which had come out of the debriefing.

"Yes. It led to a stand-off between us. Chakotay wanted to go immediately - "

"You stopped him, why?"

"There was no need. We could negotiate our way out of it, I believed."

"But the negotiations failed, didn't they?"

"From the outset. Their law was very clear though we were totally unaware of it."

"They wanted to execute, according to their law, the person who walked on the hallowed circle. How did they know?"

"Something about stepping on it must have triggered an alarm somewhere, as if they were just lying in wait for an unsuspecting person to do so. We - Chakotay was it."

"They had not had a sacrificial execution in a hundred years," Deanna added, quoting from the debriefings.

"Chakotay was adamant that he go to pay the - the price."

She shivered as she remembered their last conversations, Tom Paris's apprehension. She and Chakotay were in her ready room, hammering out a deal. They were certainly not going to remain in the area, nor have anyone be slaughtered for the pleasure of the inhabitants.

"I must go, don't you understand, Kathryn?"

"But, Chakotay, you can't!"

"I must. The penalty must be paid - "

"The penalty is death. Death by - by burning on that very altar! I need you in my life. I've never needed anyone more…"

At that moment, Commander Tuvok hailed them. Both of them left for the bridge.

"Look, Captain…" Tom's voice was soft, tinged with concern.

"Captain Janeway, we expect the person who violated our holy law to beam down to Thessaly. Voyager will remain here until he is delivered to us."

The voice of the Chief Legate, once dripping with sweetness was now hard, edged with disdain. Kathryn noted something else about him. He looked thrilled too, as if he'd silently been waiting for one of them to contravene their law and now they had their victim.

"If we do not comply, Oberon Suhl? What then?"

"Captain, your vessel is surrounded by six of our battle cruisers. We not only outnumber you, our firing power is highly superior to Voyager's. You have no option. Once you have delivered the scoundrel to us, our vessels will accompany you to the wormhole where they'll make sure Voyager goes through to  your destination."

"A…wormhole?"

"We have the technology to create artificial wormholes. This one will take you to your home quadrant."

"What? Is that the pay-off? We provide you with a lamb to be slaughtered for your ritual gratification and in return you send us…home?"

"That is correct, Captain Janeway. You have twenty four hours."

The screen went blank suddenly,  leaving her stunned. She glanced at Chakotay whose gaze still remained on the viewscreen, though his face looked impassive. What the hell was going on in his mind? Was he going to accede to the Xerxians' demands?

"Chakotay, we can get out of this - "

"Not possible, Captain. You heard them. Don't you see we're surrounded? One move to escape and we're cosmic dust."

She swung round to Tuvok, with Seven of Nine standing on the level just behind the command chairs.

"They are correct about their technology," Seven of Nine declared. "Even if Mr Kim and I can manage to compute a way for us to create a wormhole, we still need the technology of the Xerxians. We cannot do it without their assistance."

Kathryn thought she heard a note of desperation in Seven's voice.

"I can go, Captain. Voyager may be shunted into a sector that will require another two years to travel towards Earth - "

When her commbadge beeped, she hit it angrily.

"Janeway here. What is it, Lessing?"

"Captain, I can go. It would not be wise for either of the captain or the first officer to make the sacrifice…"

"Get this, all of you," Captain Janeway ordered, "no one is leaving this vessel. Do you hear me? Not so long ago, this crew with this man leading you were on the point of mutiny to prevent me staying behind in the void. We came up with a viable solution then. It is possible we can do the same now."

"Unfortunately, Captain," said Tuvok, "they have powered their weapons - "

That was when the first salvo from a Xerxian cruiser hit Voyager on its port bow. The ship trembled in the aftermath, throwing everyone off balance.

"Report!" Janeway yelled.

"Our shields are down, Captain."

"What?"

"Torres to Janeway!"

Janeway hit her commbadge.

"Report, B'Elanna."

"Damage to the hull on our port bow. It will take at least four hours to restore power to get the shields up again."

"Damn."

"My thought exactly. Is there nothing else to be done?"

"None for the moment. We're working on it."

"We can engage maximum warp, Captain. That should put enough space between us - " Paris said.

"What, and limp into the ships waiting near the wormhole?"

"It's worth a - "

The next moment Voyager was hit astern. The ship rocked and teetered before Tom Paris restored balance.

"Damage!"

"Captain, hull breach on decks fourteen and fifteen. Our deflector shield is gone. Some damage to the starboard nacelle," Tuvok's voice droned.

Janeway gave a sigh, swept her hand through her hair and gave Chakotay a wounded look.

He nodded.

"Harry, hail Oberon Suhl."

Moments later the face of the Chief Legate filled the main viewscreen.

"Well, have you made your decision, Captain Janeway?"

"Twenty four hours. You said twenty four hours…"

"Good. We expect your first officer on Thessaly then. Once he has beamed down, your vessel will be escorted to the wormhole - "

"I - "

"That will be all, Captain Janeway."

 ^

"They were not ready to negotiate or at least give Commander Chakotay a fair trial?" Deanna Troi asked, her voice pained. Wesley Crusher had once violated a law on Rubicun III and the punishment was death by execution. If Captain Picard hadn't disobeyed the Prime Directive…

"No," Janeway replied. She was again busy twirling the ring around her finger in an agitated manner. "No. No negotiations. Just deliver the perpetrator into their hands."

"What happened then, Captain, in the twenty four hours granted you?"

"My first officer went down to the planet. By the time I woke up, Chakotay was gone. They - "

Janeway swallowed hard.

"They showed his - his body on the altar…burning…"

"That was the last you saw of Commander Chakotay?"

"Yes."

"What happened between you the night before?"

"What, you want me to tell you that we shared my bed? That he loved me, then drugged me so he could go and be the lamb?"

Deanna's face was tight. She couldn't smile, There was nothing to smile about.

"You had an argument, Captain Janeway. Can you tell me what transpired?"

"That night we were in my quarters. We had given the senior officers some assurance that we'd try our very best to deal with the situation. The enemy vessels held their fire. If by the next morning we were not ready to beam someone down - "

"Commander Chakotay…"

"Yes. If we were not ready, they'd destroy Voyager and her crew."

"Chakotay wanted to go immediately and get it over and done with, saying Voyager had a real chance of getting home. What was one life compared to a shipful of lives? The needs of the many outweighing the few."

"Very like Spock."

"I told him that I’d go, in his place. That made him livid."

"Livid? Why?"

"Voyager," he said, "must reach home led by her captain of great valour and distinction. What is a ship if it is not commanded by her captain? That was his issue."

"And yours, Captain?"

"Grandstanding once again, according to him."

"Captain Janeway, much of what you're telling me was never included in the official logs. Is something amiss here?"

"What the hell do you want, Counsellor? A pound of flesh? I died with him, if you must know, There's nothing left of me…in me…except a - "

"Great vacuum filled only with longing…"

"How dare you! Are you my executioner? Chakotay outfoxed me, that's what. When I insisted that I would go in his place, he relented finally…"

Chakotay had given her a long, ponderous look, then narrowed his eyes.

"What…?" she'd asked him.

"You want to go, Kathryn? What then of us?"

"We can still have us," she whispered, her voice sounding strangely otherworldly, as if they were already apart.

"Still?"

"Yes."

"Then we'll have our wedding night, beloved. They cannot take that away from us."

"Never…" she said, her voice muffled as he pulled her closer, and drew her slowly towards the bed…

They made love. It was filled with pain, with anguish, with pleasure, with the knowledge it would be their last night together. Mouths that sought constant connection with great desperation, hands that kneaded, pleasured, caressed. In surreal motion they moved together, sweating bodies joined, sang a melody of harmony, of sanctity. There were tears.

The tears were what she remembered most of that night.

Tears. Her mouth felt suddenly thick, moist. Agitated hands brushed her cheeks and she realised she was back in the present, her hands wet.

"He…"

"He drugged you, Captain, in the early hours of the morning. Before he left, he put his ring on your finger while you were still sleeping…"

"Yes…"

"He knew he wanted to die…he knew. He wasn't going to let me go…"

"No. But it's not over, is it, Captain?"

"What…what do you mean?" Janeway asked.

"I'm so sorry, Captain. But somehow, something is out of place, not adding up. I believe that is the missing piece to the puzzle, the piece that will let you begin the grieving process."

"You think I am lying?"

"Yes, indeed, I do, Captain Janeway."

"I told you everything, dammit all!"

"Now I want you to tell me the truth."

"There is no truth!"

"I cannot agree with you, Captain. The way you're shifting, my sensing of your emotions? All is not right…"

"Isn't it enough that my own mother and sister and stepfather are conspiring against me, now you too?"

"If they do, Captain Janeway, it is solely because they care about you and love you. If I do, it's because I would like to be your friend."

"I have no friends. The only one I had is dead, and I let him die!"

****

 

4

She was going crazy, of that she was certain. Deanna Troi sat before her like a woman in judgment, a still-life, a rag doll marionette that moved this way and that way as the strings controlling her arms were manipulated. Kathryn was seeing with difficulty, realising that it was the way the tears pricked her eyes that created the film, the curtain of rain preventing her from making out anything clearly.

Crazy. Sick. Her head was spinning and it was spinning inside a vortex that pulled her in the opposite direction. Her stomach churned, making her clutch her belly as she viciously twisted the ring so that her fingers hurt. She liked the pain suddenly; she could feel something, anything…

Deanna Troi's mouth moved. It looked ridiculous, the soundless miming of mouth and facial muscles. Was Deanna grinning too? Kathryn wondered.

Something was wrong with her. Her body was not hers; her mind was suddenly, inexplicably doing things against her will.

Like _confessing_.

She had to fight it. No one should know. She had clung to the truth for weeks.

Of course she was lying.

How could she not lie about something that had changed her life forever? How could she tell anyone, any living creature in the universe? How could she articulate feelings, emotions, her ordeal so deeply embedded that no human on Earth should know what lay hidden in her depths?

But something was happening. She felt herself give a cry of 'no, no, no…', felt herself clutching her stomach, in covert protection of something unfathomable, felt herself rocking, rocking, rocking…

Was she crying or ceaselessly spilling words of immense burden and searing heat? Where did the words go? To the rag doll marionette whose figure remained a passive blur in front of her? What was happening to her? Were her demons surfacing, forcing her to confess, grinning with malevolent intent at her? She saw them, the demons - grotesque, bizarre entities, misshapen, small and large - dancing before her, taunting, gesturing with gnarled fingers. 'No…no…no…' the words kept coming from her while she rocked to and fro.

She had no friends. She had seen Chakotay die…die…die… burning on the altar of sacrifice.

"We were so happy," she stuttered hoarsely. "Happy, you understand? Happy!"

"Tell me what happened," the smooth voice of the counsellor penetrated the fog of her brain.

Then she slipped to that time, that day, that hour and the terror of it after that…

They were so happy. They stood at the base of the altar, with its steps leading to the top where the sacrificial circle was located with its rectangular rock table. From the air they'd seen it and she'd pointed to it, saying "There, that should be the place…"

He'd been more cautious. "It looks like a shrine, Kathryn, a holy of holy places."

"Does it seem as if there's anyone there?"

"No, we can investigate and satisfy your perennial curiosity," he replied, smiling as they touched down not a hundred metres from the site.

There was no one near the place. It looked deserted, but the circular floor on top was adorned with intricate patterns, much like ancient Greece, or Old India. They virtually ran to the pyramid-like structure.

"Up there, Chakotay!" she told him breathlessly and pointed to the top of the altar. "There, you can ask me there!"

"Don't worry, my beloved, I shall go on my knees for you."

They laughed together. He held her close to him and gazed deeply into her eyes.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. You cannot know my longing for you these past seven years. I've hungered, thirsted, but now I know you will be my cool brook forever…"

"Why, that is beautiful," she whispered as she looked up at him. "I love you, Chakotay, Maquis rebel, Gentle Warrior, gentleman…I love you. I don't know how I could have made you wait so long. It seems this feeling has been with me since the beginning of time. A greater Power decided you should be my life mate."

They'd kissed again before she broke contact and stood away from him.

Then she ran up the steps ahead of him. She didn't want to wait. She wanted to stand right by the centrepiece and watch him ascend the stairs and then go on his knees. He called after her, sounding winded. Once at the top and standing on the hallowed circle with its intricate mosaics, she turned, a strange, butterfly-like shiver going through her. _It's beautiful…so very beautiful…_ were her whispered words.

Chakotay was still at the bottom before he too, dashed up after her. Halfway there he stumbled suddenly and fell heavily. She heard a crack, an alarming sound, then heard him give a cry of pain. Before she could reach him again, he rolled three or four steps down.

"Chakotay!"

"I think I just broke my leg," he gasped, surprised that he injured himself.

"We'd better get back to the shuttle," she suggested, then struggled as she supported him down to return to the New Sacagawea. Beads of perspiration lined his forehead as he sagged onto the bunk. Inside one of the cabinets she removed the emergency med-kit.

"I'll do it myself, Kathryn," he said as he took the bone regenerator and proceeded to treat his left leg. Moments later he breathed a sigh of relief. "That's much better," he said.

"We'll return to Voyager, Chakotay. I think the Doctor needs to take a look at it."

"It's not necessary, but I love that you're so concerned, Kathryn."

"Fine. I'll drive," she said, smiling as she took the conn and proceeded with the start-up sequence. Minutes later they were airborne and on their way to Voyager.

They could always design a holographic setting where he could go on his knees for her…

A voice from the depths asked, "So Chakotay was not the one who violated the Law of Xerxes?"

"He was not the one," her crazed-induced mind responded. Did her words slur? she wondered. Did her palms bleed as she looked at them and then hid them once more against her belly?

She visited that terror-filled day, the day of the great argument, the day of the great passion. Chakotay stood resolute in her quarters, just like so many times before when he'd accused her of wanting to make sacrifices when they were not necessary, or wanting the accolade more than the deed. He was not fuming this time, just…resolute.

"You can't go, Kathryn. I will not let that happen, despite what we told the senior officers. You cannot go!"

"I have to, don't you see? I was the one who got us into this mess. I actually felt a shiver go through me as if I'd tripped something. It was me. No one else. I am to blame. I must take the blame - "

"What, and die for it? Voyager needs its captain, Kathryn! You're not going. I'll go in your place."

"Who's grandstanding now?" she asked bitterly.

"Kathryn," he said as he gripped her shoulders, "listen to me, will you? I can go. I must go. Voyager doesn't need me - "

She broke free.

"Doesn't need you? Are you out of your mind? That is preposterous!"

"No, it's not. Think about it. I am expendable. This ship can go anywhere without me as first officer. I am not indispensable. I don't have a critical function on this ship, Kathryn’. I'm not an engineer like B'Elanna, Tom Paris and Hamilton are both better pilots, and Seven of Nine… Spirits! That woman is one walking science station. You have all the security you need. This ship can do without me. It's easy to appoint Tuvok first officer. Even Paris for that matter. Just let me go. This ship is already crippled and they'll damage it further if we don't make a decision now."

"Goddammit, Chakotay! You want to go in my place? You want to die for me?"

"Yes! What is so wrong about that? This ship will be saved and its captain out of harm's way to take her home. Take Voyager home, Kathryn. They need to see Voyager on her final stretch with her captain commanding her. I must go…"

He spoke with impassioned pride, as if dying was just another honour in the fabric of his life. There was once again that gleam in his eyes of heroic intensity she'd seen that first day when he rammed the Liberty into the Kazon vessel. But she would have none of it. After hours of intense debate, he relented finally, if only because she suggested they spend their last night together as a couple.

None of the crew knew she was the one who had violated the Holy Law of Xerxes. Not one of them. As far as they knew, Chakotay was the one. They thought she would go down and pay the penalty, the ultimate sacrifice in his place. They were in a no win situation in which the only way out was for one of them to admit to guilt. If she did it, they knew, it was because she was the captain and it was her prerogative to make such a grand sacrifice. They were sad, a sadness tinged with extraordinary exultation that Xerxes would not renege on fulfilling its end of the bargain.

So Chakotay made love to her that night. She would not know that on one of the occasions when he got up to go the bathroom while she was bleary with tiredness and the exertion of their lovemaking, he'd ordered a drug from the replicator. She would not know that he'd transported to his own quarters sometime during the night to collect a few of his most precious possessions, one of them the ring with which she woke up in the morning. They'd tumbled together in bed, rejoiced in the way their bodies understood the language of separation, of joining, of sanctity.

She'd fallen asleep, hardly aware of the hypospray Chakotay pressed into her neck. 

 Kathryn had woken up to find him gone. She noticed the ornate ring on her finger and frowned.

"Computer, locate Commander Chakotay."

"Commander Chakotay is not on Voyager - "

"No! No!" she screamed as realisation dawned at what he'd done. She dressed with frenzied haste and made her way to the bridge.

"Captain," Tom Paris began, "Commander Chakotay is down - "

"I know. Visual!"

"Captain Janeway…Captain Janeway!"

It was the voice of Deanna Troi. What was happening? Her clouded brain cleared for a few seconds. Kathryn found herself out of her chair, her hands flailing as they struck the counsellor. Moments later her hands were imprisoned as Deanna caught them in hers. Troi pushed her gently back into her chair.

What had she done? What?

She sobbed dryly a few moments before bringing her extreme shuddering under control. Haltingly came the next images.

They all watched as twelve priests dressed in long, flowing gowns stood on the mosaics of the hallowed circle. Chakotay lay on the centre altar, the fire spreading around him. In those moments only she realised that it was  not really a prayer centre but an altar for sacrifice, overseen by priests.

Chakotay lay, eyes closed. Had they stunned him before they set him alight?

"Oh, God…no…"

Someone was pulling her back. Seven of Nine? Seven stood facing her, blocking her view of the burning first officer. She tried to push Seven out of the way but the former Borg stood firm.

Suddenly, the face of Oberon Suhl filled the screen. With superhuman strength, Kathryn pushed Seven of Nine out of the way.

"Our ships will escort you to the wormhole," declared Oberon with a smirk on his face. "We have already done the necessary configurations and computed the co-ordinates supplied by your navigation officer."

She hadn't realised that the ship's engines were already running, that Voyager was already moving towards the space fracture where the new wormhole was located.

Did she scream?

She couldn't remember. She remembered only that they were moving, further and further away from the burning body of Voyager's first officer. When they reached the wormhole, the six battle cruisers as well as the three cruisers guarding the wormhole dipped their wings. After that, all hell broke loose as Voyager plunged through the wormhole that would bring her into the Alpha Quadrant, ironically near Deep Space Nine.

Her body shuddered.

They were home.

She could not grieve. There was no time to feel sorrow or joy. B'Elanna had given birth in that time. It was mayhem everywhere, chaos that had to be brought to order. So Kathryn got to her feet, stood with her hands on her hips and began barking orders. Most times during the three weeks they travelled to Earth, her mind was filled not with the good memories of Chakotay but speared by images of his burning body.

She couldn't tell anyone. The truth stuck through her like a sharp blade.

Kathryn had returned to her quarters twenty four hours after their journey through the wormhole and only then noticed the small package he left there. It contained the letter.

"A letter?" asked Deanna Troi.

"Chakotay's last words to me," she replied.

"He died a hero, Captain Janeway."

"He died for a crime I committed. He went in my place, He…"

"You said three days ago that you didn't know the depth of the man…"

"The price he was prepared to pay for me…to save me, to save Voyager, to save her crew. He did that…"

"Aye, Captain Janeway, Commander Chakotay did that…"

"In his letter…in his letter he - he said…"

She'd read his letter in the privacy of her quarters. She could not cry. Those tears were gone, dried up during their night of passion. She'd taken the letter and opened it, to see through a fresh blur of tears his flowing handwriting.

_My dearest, beloved Kathryn…_

_When you read this letter, Voyager will be free and safe. It seems that all my life I have fought for a worthy cause. When my homeworld was destroyed, I fought  for the freedom of all oppressed, in the name of freedom, in the name of what I believed good and worthy and honourable. Always, there has been something worth fighting for, and none more so than fighting for you, beloved._

_I could not let you go even as I agreed to your demand, for I knew that from the first moment I laid eyes on you, I would die for you. Forgive me that I left in the manner that I did, but a love such as I have for you is only complete if I can be worthy of you. You are a great leader, and now you will have the chance to take Voyager home as its leader, as its commander._

_I welcome this coming death as I have welcomed being alive, my love, for you must live and lead. I have placed a ring on your finger. The symbol is the hunab ku symbol. It is said that the ancient Mayans called it the gateway to other galaxies. I think it represents the Milky Way and Kathryn, when you look at the symbol, you will be transcended, for looking upon it will transcend perception and time and space, and hopefully, you will be filled with the knowledge that through this ring, this symbol, I will live forever._

_Farewell, my beloved._

_Chakotay_

She committed to memory every word, every nuance, for through it he breathed. Just as she now related the contents of the letter to Counsellor Deanna Troi.

She was tired…so tired. Troi's face moved away, dissipating into the distance. Kathryn closed her eyes and knew no more.

*

Deanna Troi was exhausted and emotionally drained after the marathon session with Captain Janeway. She had to talk to Will soon, else she would go mad. The tiredness seeped into her pores. At one point she thought, looking at Janeway, that the Voyager captain perspired droplets of blood.

_I feel as though I've been in a twelve round boxing match with an enraged Klingon._  Deanna ordered a cup of hot chocolate and sipped it with great satisfaction, glad when the drink revived her a little. Janeway herself was on the point of collapse in those first minutes after reciting the contents of Chakotay's letter. She'd made the captain more comfortable, glad to note how Janeway was beginning to fall asleep. Deanna remembered the captain telling her that she had not slept the previous night. Now, the catharsis, the purging of those deeply embedded secrets, the sorrow, the unending pain resulting from guilt and longing had left Janeway depleted, but most importantly, Deanna sensed, free from the imprisoning bonds of secrecy. Janeway she knew, would now face her demons head-on, she would have harmony. The sense of loss would still be there, but now she could mourn openly.

Deanna had thought it wise to call a doctor. Now she stood watching as Voyager's EMH concluded his examination of her patient. He'd given Kathryn Janeway a mild sedative. She lay sleeping peacefully in the same chair which Deanna had earlier reclined. A soft blanket covered the captain. Her face looked serene now, a far cry from the ravaged appearance brought on by her astonishing tale. Deanna had been right in that Captain Janeway carried so much guilt inside her that rest was impossible.

"What she needs now is complete rest, Counsellor," the doctor said as if he'd just read her mind. "I understand you have informed her mother and stepfather to collect her?"

"That is correct, Doctor. Her stepfather is Admiral Ponsonby. He heads the new Strategic Division. He is waiting for Mrs Janeway before they make their way here.

Deanna knelt next the the recliner where she brushed a hair from the sleeping captain's face. The doctor snapped his tricorder shut and then cleared his throat.

"Is there anything more, Doctor?"

"I believe Captain Janeway may not be so lonely after all, Counsellor."

Deanna frowned before light dawned on her. Did Captain Janeway know? she wondered.

"I don't think she knows. The way she has curled into the foetal position was just warding off the extreme distress of losing the commander, of handling her pain."

"A child…" Deanna whispered softly, her eyes suddenly stinging. "A child who will be the living memory of Commander Chakotay."

"Aye. A boy. Captain Janeway was placed in an untenable position which Commander Chakotay resolved. He is a true hero, Counsellor, a true hero."

When the doctor left, Deanna still remained by Captain Janeway's side, studying her for long moments and pondering on the events of the past few days.

Captain Janeway was ready to begin the grieving process now. She'd talk about it to her parents and sister and one day, she would tell her son what a magnificent man his father was.

************

 

**EPILOGUE**

**ON THE PLANET XERXES**

Chakotay stood on a mosaic, flanked by eleven priests of the Thessalonian High Order, each standing on a smaller mosaic of the terracotta floor, around the main altar. All the priests were magnificent in their flowing gowns and headgear. It was difficult to imagine that only weeks before, their sole duty was to oversee and participate in a sacrificial ritual in which an unsuspecting intruder had to burn to death. In that way they not only fed their hidden lust for blood, but revered a god who, they said, desired that they worship him in that way. But rules could change, he thought. Captain James T. Kirk had found himself many times in similar situations and left a homeworld to ponder on new things, a change in their way of life.

Chakotay wanted to think that his sacrifice did the same for the people of Xerxes.

In front of the high altar, facing him, was the Chief Legate of Xerxes, and next to Oberon Suhl, the First Ambassador to Xerxes from the Xeroman Congress of Planets, Imoraine Calma.

They were here to wish him well on his journey to the Alpha Quadrant. He would be escorted by the same battle cruisers that escorted Voyager to the space fracture.

At the bottom of the shrine stood as many people as could surround the entire Basilica of Thessaly to see him off.

A warm feeling of pride burned through his body as he looked at the priests, at Oberon Suhl and Imoraine Calma. It had been a spiritual journey from the moment they had woken him on the stone tablet and he'd seen the flames surrounding him. He had not been afraid.

The flames surrounded him.

He did not burn.

They waited almost an hour, they told him, for the flames to sear his body. It did not happen.

The first thing Oberon Suhl said was, "In whose place, Chakotay of Voyager, have you come to bring the highest offer?"

He had been confused for a few moments, then surprised at the flames that licked his body, although he felt no pain. He frowned, then felt himself lifted off the tablet. The flames stopped instantly the moment he stood free from the main altar.

"In whose name, Chakotay of Voyager, have you come to bring the highest offer?" the question was repeated.

"In the name of my captain, Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager."

"Chakotay of Voyager," continued Oberon Suhl, mirroring the total awe and mystification that he saw in the faces of the priests, "a miracle has occurred here."

"I do not understand, Oberon Suhl."

"The flames will only eat at the flesh of the guilty one. You have no guilt, you have not transgressed. Only the one truly guilty of the offence would burn here."

"I did not know that, Oberon Suhl."

_He had only sensed it…_

"What is your relationship with the Captain of Voyager that you would do this in her name?"

"She is my everlasting friend."

"You would die for her?"

"Yes. Yes, I would die for her. To save her life, I would die in her place. I love her."

"Commander Chakotay, we have never in a thousand years seen what we have seen here today. A man who would willingly give his life for another. It is…unique in our culture. Unique and…admirable."

Oberon Suhl had sounded deeply affected, a far cry from the man who had sneered at them while they were standing on the bridge of Voyager, trying to negotiate a deal. Now Suhl looked close to tears.

"I am most profoundly touched, Chakotay of Voyager, by your trust and loyalty for your captain. You are a noble warrior of warriors."

He'd realised that the basic elements that defined friendship, love, devotion in the culture of most races were things not experienced by the people of Xerxes. He felt honoured that his example could become the foundation stone for a new direction of thinking. They'd asked him many questions and he'd patiently told them stories of great races of the Alpha Quadrant, of Earth with its stories of Great Warriors, of his own people and their sky spirits and how he was guided by his spirits.

Now, a month after the event, the shrine was to be used to sanctify marriages. Never would another vessel or crew be lured to the shrine to inadvertently violate the dictates of Xerxes, for they would now be welcomed. His near death had paved the way for progress.

He was ready to leave and see Kathryn again.

And Xerxes had left no stone unturned for his return to Earth. A hundred metres away stood a replica of the Delta Flyer. The Xerxians had built the shuttle using Tom Paris's specifications. He had been right that very first time he'd told Kathryn that the Xerxians had scanned Voyager. Scanned and downloaded information relating to her defence systems, weapons, shuttle technology. It was why Voyager could not adequately defend herself against six battle cruisers. In turn, they'd downloaded the Xerxian database pertaining to her cultural history and technical information.

His eyes pricked with tears, when he thought about Kathryn, their last night together, the ring he'd put on her finger to remember him, the letter he'd written. He couldn't let her die. She had been right when they had their first conversation in the early days on Voyager about freedom and sacrifice.

_"The nature of sacrifice is such that it goes far deeper than the tangible. It is a conscious surrender of the self for the sake of love, loyalty, personal belief and affiliation, but mostly, for the sake of love."_

When he was ready to board the New Delta Flyer, Chakotay of Voyager, resplendent in his uniform, stood before Oberon Suhl. Suhl raised his hand in greeting.

"I shall never forget you, Chakotay of Voyager."

"Thank you, Oberon Suhl. The Spirits be with you all." 

Chakotay saluted in the old earth ancient naval salute, then turned and boarded the New Delta Flyer, to go home, home to Kathryn.

************ 

 

END

 

 


End file.
